Recurring Dream

I’ve had wee bit of writer’s block the last few weeks so there’s a little bit of recycling occurring at the moment while I wait for my mind to have its grand re-opening sale.

So, in the interim...

I'm having a recurring dream at the moment.

My subconscious tortures me with a handful of recurring dreams. One which is always the same, that of a 12 year old speechless girl witnessing a really violent crime - the stuff of nightmares – it has stayed with me for decades. But that's not the one I want to talk about today.

Today's curio is a recurring dream that's been a “story” developing in itself. And who says the subconscious is random. In this dream, I've been implanted with some kind of timer. Each time I have the dream, an alarm goes off reminding me to do some maintenance on its mechanics. I wake up and think I'm too tired to bother with the maintenance - so I don't...

Last night, the timer's alarm beeped louder than usual and yelled at me – time's up. Then it felt like my entire body was shutting down. I woke up - heart pounding - my legs paralysed - I felt completely out of breath. I thought I was dying.

It took several minutes for my heart to slow down. This recurring dream has been permeating my sleep for well over a year now.

Those who are into dream interpretation would say – it's obvious - old age is beckoning. I am finally recognizing my own mortality. I guess that's one possible interpretation. Normally, I would agree but having faced the fragile nature of my own mortality several times already in my life, the thought that I might not wake up one day at all just doesn’t frightens me.

I just do not believe it is about mortality. We always feel the fear of death in a dream but always wake up before we die. Kids' robotic toys all have a reset button so if the toy is neglected and dies you press the reset and it comes back to life. The alarm may be significant, especially if it's getting louder. The maintenance, to me, seems like something is being neglected and I may be operating on automatic.

I also think it could be interpreted as my being a robot and not a person which, without maintenance, cannot function effectively. It reminds me of those Japanese electronic toy dogs – don't feed them (albeit in computer speak) and they "die" (clearly, it's not real but it does seem so to the kiddies who are given the toys for gifts). It also reminds me of a scene from the John Cusack film, Gross Point Blank, where Mr Cusack plays a contract killer whose psychiatrist tells him that his dreams of being a windup toy are very depressing because they imply he has no heart!

The dream could also represent the urge to be - expressing a desire for conformity and regularity. The alarm could represents that as well - it's regular, predictable. Perhaps my body is telling me to slow down? Maybe? I could think that my body/mind wants to be on automatic...

For those who believe the theory that dreams are just your brain dumping information it doesn't want to store (all in cipher given it's the subconscious doing the jettisoning), who knows exactly what my brain is purging and why. The million dollar question really.

Thoughts, suggestions, anyone?