beautiful ugly

I don't normally like hip-hop music but today I borrow the title of this note from a Muph and Plutonic (featuring Jess Harlin) song called "beautiful ugly".

I have been thinking this week about whether I am a little bit shallow in so far as aesthetics are important to me when it comes to physical attraction. Does a person need to be beautiful or sexy for me to be attracted to them in that way.

My thinking about this topic was focussed by an article in the Age (a while ago), which comments on the difference between beautiful and sexy: http://blogs.theage.com.au/lifestyle/fearclothing/2009/05/08/beautifulvsse.html

The article talks about taste being a very subjective thing although there are some commonalities such as symmetry that appeal to almost everyone. My personal favourite line picked up from blogs was from a man who says a woman is sexy if she wants to have sex with him. Think he might be onto something there.

But I digress. I recently experienced a situation where I was forced to be direct about my (non) intentions for a person. I was not particularly interested in that person (in that way) but felt there was some pressure coming from his side to pursue something more. In the end I had to tell him outright I was not attracted to him. It was brutal, in a very ugly way, but necessary as less subtle messages had failed to hit the mark.

I thought long and hard about whether I was being shallow. By society's standards he was "above average" in looks without being a head turner. (A bit like me.) In my mind, it wasn't what my eyes were seeing that were underpinning my lack of connection with this person.

He often talked of things that made me cringe - spoke of revenge in talking about ex girlfriends (with wrath perhaps number one on my list of things I loathe). He would read something I wrote and respond in a way that completely missed the point of my words. And then when we spoke directly, it was like we were having two different conversations as whatever he heard me say washed over him without sinking into his brain. I fluctuated between being bored when I spoke with him to being afraid of him when that impulsive anger was reflected in his words and actions.

To me, he was not beautiful on the inside. And that was what drove my lack of interest.

Attraction to physical beauty only could be enough to justify me calling myself shallow. But to be fair to myself I seem to be more concerned with a person's behaviour when I make a connection. If a person is hollow that is what makes them unattractive.

And, if anyone is interested in the song, here's a link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J92g7LKkZ1I